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The bitch in the bathroom...! | MaeveMadden

The bitch in the bathroom...!

  • Good morning Queens and happy hump day!

    This subject is one I always struggle to talk about, but I know some of my fellow queens have had simialr struggles as has our Head Queen Maeve. I haven't had this bother me for such a long time and I know it's probably only bothering me now as I have so much change going on in my life and so that element of needing to feel in control comes in to play and I start to focus on my weight and how I look...why oh why do we do this???

    I know I feel so much stronger than I have done in years, I work out five times a week or more, I feel physically fit and I am happier than I have been in so long. Yet as I stepped onto the scales this morning (yes I do once a week, I don't know why) I was utterly horrified to see the scales read 10 stone. Now the first thing I ask myself as I immediately start the soul searching for why I have "gained weight" is, did that take away last night do it? Answer, probably not Sian, you had piri piri chicken and salad so come on! Second question running through my head, would I be so horrified if the scales had said 9:12? That's what I was last week, so why am I beating myself up for a two pound difference???

    For me it has always been that 10 stone marker, that move up to the next bracket in weight. So why do I allow the scales to completely dominate my mindset? Why am I now sat here tearful typing this to you all?

    Backround, I have always struggled with my weight, in my late teens I reached 13 stone and was a size 16 then completely flipped from being this weight (which might I add is still healthy for my 5ft 10" frame) to starting to shed the pounds at uni...I took it too far and became quite poorly my making myself ill after binging to a point where my hair fell out and my teeth became very sensitive from the acid. I got help and recovered, but then as my wedding approached in my early 30's that control crept in again and I found myself limiting my food, I ate soup mostly but in my head I was eating so it was okay... I went down to 8stone 10 for my wedding and my wedding dress hung off me so my Mum had to stitch me in on the day of my wedding. 

    So why am I writing this? Why am I sat here telling you all how I have been controlled by my weight my whole life? 

    Well ladies, I write this because despite being tearful sharing this feeling of the 10stone shock this morning and how emotional I feel telling you all my story now. I am sat here writing this feeling grateful that Maeve understands, that my friends on here with similar concerns understand. I feel grateful for that first and foremost. I then remember that I am one year into my new life, a new life that this forum has given me, that being a queen and doing a year of workouts has given me. How this morning I had a low calorie burn after finding that 10stone marker and felt down that I hadn't achieved what I wanted to, but that Niamh then picked me up and told me if I had worked hard then it didnt matter the calorie burn. I am stronger a year on, I can now do burpees and froggers and my body is allowing those changes because it is stronger than it has ever been. I don't think 8stone 10 Sian could have done that, definitely not the amount of reps we do now.

    So my lovely friends, fellow queens. Despite my shit start to the day I have checked myself, I am stronger and more confident and I wanted to share with you all that we have these days; but its that mindset change that is the most important journey we are all on, whether 6 stone or 16stone... being stronger and the most confident version of ourselves is what matters. 

    Wishing you all a wonderful day, go smash combat with Maeve, it was a great class today! Love to all the queens out there x God that was like therapy! :-)

  • @Sian Townend Sian you are such a queen 💕👑 making me cry here 😭💕 

    I think we all have days like that and it's so important that we acknowledge them but we're all here to pick each other up 💕👑

    You should be so so proud of how you've come queen. Honestly you are such an amazing person and you are so strong doing all those advanced move. I say throw the scales and the watch out the window 😂 Honestly I was a bit shocked there as to how much I can actually relate to a lot of this, it's so crazy how we can be so cruel to ourselves but you have come so so far and you should be so proud of yourself 💕

    Honestly queen you look amazing too and you are such an amazing friend! You're a big part of the reason I've started annoying all my Instagram followers with daily sweaty selfies, but the best part is you've helped me realise that I've worked hard and we queens look fabulous and should be able to show off our hard work 💪🏻 Whenever I need it you're always there to give me a wee boost and hopefully I can do the same for you lovely ❤️
    Keep going Sian, you're smashing it 🥰💛

  • @Niamh Byrne Oh god you've set me off again! You're such a lovely person too and I appreciate every ounce of love and support you give me. Queens supporting queens, it's just the best. The fact that you feel you can relate to what I posted is the exact reason I wanted to share it. Those daily little struggles and how we overcome them are so important. Love and hugs to you Niamh x

  • @Sian Townend I've struggled with the scales for years... they 100% defined my socialising, stopped me going for dinner, having a drink with friends etc. It was a miserable way to be! 

    We were due to get married last year but had to postpone, much like everyone else 😂 I was down to the lowest weight I'd been in years before the wedding but would be so horrible to myself if I was up half a lb. That's not what the countdown to a wedding should be about! 

    I gained a bit of weight over the last year (which i refuse to feel bad about after all that everyone has been through) but old habits started creeping in after Christmas and I found myself falling back onto relying on the scales, weighing myself daily etc. 

    I joined QDQ at the end of January and made the decision to ditch the scales altogether. My other half has hidden them somewhere (on my request) and has said he'll happily give them back if I want them but tbh, I have no interest 😂 This community is so empowering and has really made me rethink how I view health, fitness and my body. 

    I do around 5 workouts a week now - not because I have to, but because I want to! I feel great, my clothes fit better and I know I am so much stronger. The thing is though, I know that if I weighed myself, there would be very little difference. I have gained muscle but lost fat and that won't show on a scales! It takes a lot of willpower but I honestly feel so free without them. I know they're really useful for some people but they're just not helpful for me anymore! 

    I'm getting married in July (the day after the challenge ends - what perfect timing 🤩) and am so excited. Different headspace altogether! 

  • Omg sorry, that was quite the essay 😂😂

  • @Ailbhe Harding what an amazing response to my post. We have such a toxic relationship at times with the preconceived idea of what weight we should be, I don't even know where the 10stone benchmark came from for me, I think just seeing anything more than a 9 on the scales scared the shit out of me. But why, it's only 2lb more than I was happy to be last week? It's madness.

    I think hiding or binning the scales sounds like a great idea, I might just do that mysef tonight.

    Amazing that your wedding is now aligned with the end of the challenge, you will look fab in your wedding dress with your sexy summer arms and sculpted and toned body. How exciting, so much to look forward to this year.  xx

  • @Sian Townend Thanks Sian! 💕 tbh I do need to give myself a talking to at times - some days when I feel great, I think I should weigh myself to see if I "actually" am doing as well as I think. Ridiculous really! 2lbs is nothing in the grand scheme of things. There are so many factors that can influence the number - water retention, hormones, a different meal etc. It absolutely does not define how amazing you are doing 👑

    I had a takeaway last night and expected to wake up this morning feeling bloated and horrible. Surprisingly enough, I feel fine! But if I weighed myself I no doubt would have been up a pound or two. I would have spent the day regretting my yummy food and feeling rubbish about myself. It's all so psychological isn't it! 

    There were times that I found the scales to be a good motivator but, ultimately, it's not worth it for me. I have a pencil skirt now that I use as my guide - I try it on every couple of weeks to see if there is a change in how it fits 😂 

    Thank you for putting up this post - I think it's something that so many of us struggle with ❤ 

  • @Ailbhe Harding aw thank you. It was a very raw post for me, I do struggle to talk about my relationship with food and my weight so I am glad it resonated with you. I bet that pencil skirt looks AMAZING! :-) x

  • @Sian Townend oh darling we are all here for you!!! You look fantastic and you are such a kind and caring person!!! Yes the scales always affects us queens but you just have to keep reminding yourself how strong, fit and fierce you have become being part of QDQ!!!!! We are gaining muscle, we are doing advanced moves and adding more reps! You are a strong woman, you don't let that scales make you feel anything less then perfect!!!!!

    Keep smiling my friend and hold that crown high where it belongs!!!! Xxx

  • @Carmel Mulvany you made me cry again! Thank you for your kind words, the friendships I have through this forum are just amazing. Totally cherished. Thank you x

  • @Sian Townend I hear you!


    I have always been around 9.11/9.12  the lowest I got to was 59kg today I weighed myself and to my horror 10.7!!!

    I was 10.4 last week & I just don't understand it as I'm high protein very low carb but I can feel the fat on my body which is worse.

    I honestly don't know where to begin and I too was 13 stone before so the fear factor is back.

    I have a bad relationship with food & today is not a good day for me. Thank you for your post 


  • @Sinead Humphreys hey! I'm glad my post allowed you to talk about your own worries. I know you say you can feel the fat but maybe this is just your body lifting and shaping differently? I tried on my skinny jeans the other day, I could wear these last year when I was about the same weight but couldn't fit into them recently. My partner listened to my rant and sobs and then said, but your body has changed. He explained how I used to have skinny legs and now they are formed and toned, how my bottom used to be flat and unshaped and now is lifted and perky. The workouts are changing our bodies in ways we have not known before. Are you knew to QDQ? What kind of exercise did you do before this? I used to run and so I find the workouts have completely changed me physically.

    That said it doesn't help with the dangerous mindset we get ourselves into and that fear of getting big again. All I can say is you are only a little heavier than what you say is normal for you so keep doing the workouts and it will all balance out (Sian take your own advice girl haha). Also, we have just come through a winter lockdown, I have eaten all the comfort foods so it's only natural to weigh a bit more I guess. But alas summer is coming with all the salads and bbq meat which is super healthy and protein rich to fuel our bodies and lockdown is lifting...hurrah! Happy to chat to you directly if you wanted to talk some more about your concerns in detail, I understand exactly where you are coming from so feel free to reach out, just DM me. 

    Much love x

  • *essay alert*

    I do feel a bit like a fraud sometimes because I feel like I am so much heavier than most of the fab queens on here. I am currently 19 st 5 pounds (weighed this morning). I have been heavier than my peers for as long as I can remember, even making my confirmation, I was wearing a woman's size 16 from Pennys (oh the shame!)

    I worked very hard from when I was 21 to 28 and got to my lowest weight of 12 stone 8 pounds (why yes, that is still categorised as obese). I was training 6 days a week, playing rugby so I would run 5k 3 days, do 2-3 weights sessions and then train two nights for two hours with the team. I was also in a slimming club that encouraged us not to use the calories we burnt during exercise. I would get light headed and feel quite ill quite regularly. It got so bad that I was referred to a cardiologist to make sure that there was nothing wrong with my heart - there wasn't it was perfectly healthy, and still is.

    at the beginning of 2018 I started to have perimenopausal symptoms at the age of 28 so I was referred to a gynaecologist. I have had so many blood tests and ultrasounds since I was 17 to check for PCOS, I actually couldn't count if I tried. I saw the consultant gynae, he took one look at my symptoms and said you have PCOS, even though I don't meet the clinical criteria.

    I was prescribed some meds for insulin resistance (my PCOS symptoms were in line with this) and the difference was insane! I went from 6 cups of coffee a day to 2, regular naps to no naps, 9-10 hours sleep a night to 7 and a half! When I was at my slimmest no one ever considered my symptoms as a whole because I was still obese, but I was in fact starving myself, the dizzy spells were my blood sugars dropping.

    In Oct 2019 I got mild sepsis, ended up in the hospital and went from being able to run 5k comfortably in 30 mins to not being able to walk 50m without sitting down. On one of the worst days, I had to ask my Mam to put my shoes and socks on because I physically could not reach my feet. (I tried yesterday and I able half a foot away from being able to touch my nose with my toe now) The following Feb I ended up in ICU, just before Covid really kicked off. Again, any momentum of trying to get fit was knocked back. Having gone from being so fit to so immobile was awful for me mentally and I couldn't see anything positive in my reflection.

    I discovered QDQ in January, nearly a year to the date of the surgery, and with the help of some therapy and this amazing community, I now feel the healthiest I have ever felt. My mind doesn't hate itself any more. I have bought some new dresses so I can enjoy style again, and I feel fit! Yes I am heavier and many people will judge me for that, but I am probably healthier than most people, as I had to get checked out by the cardiologist (again, because of the whole surgery-ICU thing) and he told me that my heart is completely healthy! 

    So all of this is to say that I realise now that our bodies are always changing and it is hard to know what is around the corner, but fitness and healthy eating are helping me to live my best life!

  • @Sammi Trev what a journey you have been on! Thank you for sharing this.

    It made me laugh how you said you feel a fraud being on here because you are "so much heavier", than the most of the other queens, laugh because I actually felt a bit of a fraud writing what I did this morning. My 10stone is not big and neither was the 13 stone I was before, yet I felt like a fraud posting that I was gutted to see that 1 and 0 on the scales. How are we so programmed so feel a certain way about what we actually weigh?!

    As you have so rightly said, you were so fit when you were training and yet still classed as morbidly obese. How are these classifications even given? By a simple maths equation. Does simple maths take each person being an individual into account, no it does not. A BMI calculation should not be able to tell us how thin or fat we are, it's unbelievable.

    If we queens are eating well, exercising and getting stronger and fitter, then it shouldn't matter if we are 19 stone or 6 stone (because there are so many haters for the lighter ladies also), it should just matter that we are working on being the absolute best versions of ourselves by focusing on ourselves.

    I am so pleased you found this community, it honestly has changed my life. Fitness now is not a fad but is a way of life for me and I am forever grateful to everyone in this community and of course to Maeve for creating it. Welcome @Sammi Trev , now go smash the summer challenge!

  • Thanks so much, @Sian Townend !! <3 I was only talking to a friend recently about  how we are conditioned to constantly justify what we do and what we say! We are Queens! Simple As!!

    I do hope you are feeling a bit better now! I totally agree with lighter ladies getting so much judgement as well - but isn't that ridiculous and really highlights the importance of just accepting ourselves because whether we are heavier or lighter or in between with a little jiggly, there will always be some part of society saying we aren't good enough! But we say NO! We Are QUEENS! WE ARE ENOUGH!!!


  • @Sammi Trev yes! Shout it out! 😂

    And yes I'm feeling better thank you. Going to take myself out for a walk in the sunshine now and enjoy it while it lasts x

  • Yassss I love the sun! 

    I am actually going to get some work done and stop procrastinating so I can pack up for 7pm and watch Jodies chat!

    Always here if you need a chat Queen!


  • @Sian Townend my Queen Bestie you had my eyes welling up in tears!! 😢😢 To say I am blessed beyond words for your friendship and your support is an understatement! You should be so incredible proud of your journey and how far you have come. For you to look back and acknowledge your journey and your personal growth is powerful! 💗 the numbers on the scale are just numbers at the end of the day, what really matters is your journey,you finding your spark again, your incredible love for cooking AMAZING food and the unconditional support and love you have show to so many of us queens! 💕 I couldn't imagine life without our daily chats 😂🤣

    As you know I have a love hate relationship with my body as I haven't always loved what I have seen in the mirror! I think that part of all of us will be a constant journey and a part of us that will need a check in every once and a while! 

    So much love for you and all our beautiful queens 💗

  • @Niamh Byrne the sweetest little queen!! I can't begin to explain how incredible proud we all are of you!! 💗 When I see your daily sweaty selfies I'm just beaming with pride! You motivate me each day to get that workout done!! Without this amazing community we wouldn't have found each other, an incredible bond that we will always share. Lots of love to you xx

  • @Sian Townend oh queen I know exactly what you mean. I have mentioned this in a post before, and know it sounded psychotic! The battery was removed from the scales in our house about a year ago, only my husband knows where it is. Yet every time I pass the scales I step on to check if the battery is in them, and am relieved when it's not. Why do I hate myself so much that I would want to risk that feeling of my mod being ruined even though I look the same as I did 30 seconds earlier. If we go away on holidays or for a weekend he has to go into room first and either hide scales or remove battery. Or an entire weekend could be ruined. I can't believe I have told you all that.... again! I took a picture of myself before and after spring challenge and was delighted, but I bet scales would have shown no change, so that tells me everything. It's photos or the benchmark pink trousers I have. I'm 49, it took me til 48 to see sense! So in short, ditch the scales. I wish I had years ago. 

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