Good morning Queens and happy hump day!
This subject is one I always struggle to talk about, but I know some of my fellow queens have had simialr struggles as has our Head Queen Maeve. I haven't had this bother me for such a long time and I know it's probably only bothering me now as I have so much change going on in my life and so that element of needing to feel in control comes in to play and I start to focus on my weight and how I look...why oh why do we do this???
I know I feel so much stronger than I have done in years, I work out five times a week or more, I feel physically fit and I am happier than I have been in so long. Yet as I stepped onto the scales this morning (yes I do once a week, I don't know why) I was utterly horrified to see the scales read 10 stone. Now the first thing I ask myself as I immediately start the soul searching for why I have "gained weight" is, did that take away last night do it? Answer, probably not Sian, you had piri piri chicken and salad so come on! Second question running through my head, would I be so horrified if the scales had said 9:12? That's what I was last week, so why am I beating myself up for a two pound difference???
For me it has always been that 10 stone marker, that move up to the next bracket in weight. So why do I allow the scales to completely dominate my mindset? Why am I now sat here tearful typing this to you all?
Backround, I have always struggled with my weight, in my late teens I reached 13 stone and was a size 16 then completely flipped from being this weight (which might I add is still healthy for my 5ft 10" frame) to starting to shed the pounds at uni...I took it too far and became quite poorly my making myself ill after binging to a point where my hair fell out and my teeth became very sensitive from the acid. I got help and recovered, but then as my wedding approached in my early 30's that control crept in again and I found myself limiting my food, I ate soup mostly but in my head I was eating so it was okay... I went down to 8stone 10 for my wedding and my wedding dress hung off me so my Mum had to stitch me in on the day of my wedding.
So why am I writing this? Why am I sat here telling you all how I have been controlled by my weight my whole life?
Well ladies, I write this because despite being tearful sharing this feeling of the 10stone shock this morning and how emotional I feel telling you all my story now. I am sat here writing this feeling grateful that Maeve understands, that my friends on here with similar concerns understand. I feel grateful for that first and foremost. I then remember that I am one year into my new life, a new life that this forum has given me, that being a queen and doing a year of workouts has given me. How this morning I had a low calorie burn after finding that 10stone marker and felt down that I hadn't achieved what I wanted to, but that Niamh then picked me up and told me if I had worked hard then it didnt matter the calorie burn. I am stronger a year on, I can now do burpees and froggers and my body is allowing those changes because it is stronger than it has ever been. I don't think 8stone 10 Sian could have done that, definitely not the amount of reps we do now.
So my lovely friends, fellow queens. Despite my shit start to the day I have checked myself, I am stronger and more confident and I wanted to share with you all that we have these days; but its that mindset change that is the most important journey we are all on, whether 6 stone or 16stone... being stronger and the most confident version of ourselves is what matters.
Wishing you all a wonderful day, go smash combat with Maeve, it was a great class today! Love to all the queens out there x God that was like therapy! :-)
